First hangover of the season

Lots of rockiness in the past few days.

I know how it is with drama... if its not about you then you're perfectly obligated to talk about it with other people "not involved", making it somewhat of a sport or fun argument between friends. But its really amazing how you can feel the vibe or an odd "awkwardness" when you know you yourself are experiencing drama--or dating problems--and nobody...NOBODY talks about it in front of you, but you can sense that they do when you're not there.

Recently I broke up with a guy after about a month and some change of dating. But bitter, confused feelings have caused my emotions to go on rollercoaster rides and honestly, even though there is nothing exciting going on with my line of work at this moment (not being classed up and just really sitting around), I would still rather not be experiencing such turmoil around me.

I'd like to say that my heart still belongs to someone else, despite knowing and accepting the fact that things may never go back to the way they used to be... but that's just my problem. I want to, as Paula DeAnda says in that song of hers to "walk away" and move on. It seems though that I've got to get past this, and I know that I need to find something else to distract me. I wanna say damn to my private issues.

I know what I want. But then I don't know what I want.

My fickleness has now followed me into my personal life. It's like a disease I can't prevent.

The only thing I can remember Papa say to me during Thanksgiving

"Hoy, Nessa let me see your hole."






(insert laugh here)

You sickos. He was obviously referring to my navel ring hole...




BTW, VA was a good time. I got my family "fix" and watched VT vs UVA on tv. Can't have it any better than that! Well... maybe you can...

Back in the 70's now... but don't worry, I'll be back home to celebrate the way Christmas/NY is supposed to be spent. IN THE COLD.

I hate it, but its true

None of the following was written by me, but it might as well have flowed straight from my brain onto the keys, so thanks star for writing it down for me...



March 24, 2006

Wow. I forgot how much I enjoyed those late night conversations, where you express your deepest feelings of how the members of the opposite sex can make life miserable. Pretty amusing. I had an epiphany at 4am while I was at the math emporium, pulling an allniter. We’ve existed together since the beginning of time, and yet we don’t understand each other at all. Guys think girls are nothing but greedy bitches, and girls think guys are assholes only looking to get laid. I can't help but feel suffocated by some girls who seem to only care of the most trivial aspects of life, so I can feel where guys are coming from. But guys also have a way of being overconfident in knowing what we want. Yes, there are those few exceptions where individuals find the love of their life on the first try, but it's rare.

For most of us, we spend our lives either settling or constantly yearning to meet someone who comes close to our incredibly high expectations. Because, if you’re not willing to settle, then of course, you’d wait forever for that perfect someone. But, that perfect someone doesn’t appear, because if you think they are perfect, then they should be out of reach, right? Of course. If they’re tangible, then they can’t possibly be good enough.

Funny, how we don’t realize the games we play. Games we play with other people’s lives. And all along you thought you were being real, when you could not be more fake. Strange, how you can be jolted out of indifference when it comes to the emotions that touch your heart. It has to be the most amazing thing when you realize that you don’t want to take your emotions for granted. But it’s the hardest thing to let people know how you feel about them, because that would put you out there, vulnerable. And it’s hard to be vulnerable when you’re so used to being so strong.

Sometimes, you have to will those “mean reds” away, and stop being afraid of feeling something real. Because pain lets you know that you’re alive and not just existing. How sad would it be if you went through life not knowing true love. The kind of love that can kill you inside if you’re not careful. The kind of love where you don’t want to be careful, but would rather die than live without it…

As someone once told me, we’re all either empty shells or occupied solids. When are we ever fully available? We all have histories. We all have emotional baggage. And it is too hard to leave those painful memories behind, but why would you want to, when they’re so ingrained in who you are.

I’m so sorry, if you’re an empty shell, and what I’m saying is going over your head. I’m so sincerely sorry…



~Star

Get Involved

If you are coming down to Pensacola...

and you plan on waiting a long time to start API like I am...

get involved.

Or else you'll find yourself shooting yourself in the head almost every day.


The apt has decided to go ahead and learn Italian. We also are official fans of the API/Flight Management Soccer team for Captain's Cup.

Oh, I'm in the Captain's Cup for the tennis tournament also. First game was 6-0, 6-0; yesterday's was 6-1, 6-2. And already playin for the championship game on Monday. Cross your fingers...

I bought a damn book that's the size of a dictionary. It's Called "The World is Flat" by Thomas Friedman... amazingly I met someone who had read the book too.

One more thing... I have concluded that I am a dork. In college, I was weird. Now I'm a dork-slash-tool (according to the acad guys) but... at least I made somebody a cake for his birthday. Thoughtful, aren't I?


Mmm.. got these bomb ass speakers from JBL:


Pretty good sound... for little things, the woofers are pretty powerful.. and I got it with a gift card from USAA which is bombass. We aren't really allowed to have loud music in the complex, but this is perfect.

Um... VT beat Miami 17-10.... woooo Orange Bowl champs!

Also I'm going to Wurst Fest in Texas next week. Exciting.. my first time in the Lonestar State (since everyone in this farking place is from there originally)...

That was a really random update, but I love you. Muahness.