Cherry pop

The trio today hosted an exclusive party... for the women today. It was a sa-weet NO BOYS ALLOWED type of party. A Passion Party.

If you don't know what that is, let me just tell you there were a lot of toys in my apartment tonight, lots of girls, lots of giggles... lots of shocked faces, wandering eyes, and risque thoughts throughout the night. It was my first real gathering with more than 2 girls talking about the same undisclosing thing... did the same thing with about 8 guys sometime in October, I remember. We all had an "exchange of ideas" between the two females (Erin and I) and the guys. That was the talk right before we went to Captain Fun's downtown and I displayed my massive strength by performing acrobatics on dancer poles. (By the way, it is never surprising to me now how many males exist everywhere I live.. first the Corps of Cadets, then NAS Pensacola. Complete sausagefest, which makes it completely "ok" for us to risk losing our femininity, right? Sometimes I feel like I need to join a cheerleading team to be able to hang out with girly girls and stop acting like a guy... but enough of that rant. We military women do that one a lot anyways.) But I digress. For you girls who want discounts, host your own party. I'll hook you up with contacts, and you can get started. Then you all can talk amongst yourselves about what products work and don't work, and what you recommend for that annoying chick who keeps complaining she's not getting any.

Ok are you ready?

I don't complain enough out loud, so I thought I'd rant about one thing today and keep the rest to myself. Maybe write a nasty song about them. Or draw an angry sketch.

So I guess it ties with the art of existing in an odd girl-to-guy ratio... but living like that for a while makes you "one of the guys". You can talk with guys about unladylike things, hang out with them... all because it's normal now. By this point in your life you think that nothing a guy could do or say could make you feel uncomfortable, or it would be really hard to be offended by something a guy would say about the female sex or sex in general.

I am exactly that. Or well, I thought I was until a couple of dudes actually started talking about me... TO me. Now I guess it's different to engage in the conversation when you're not talking about other girls and boys, but when the boys are trying to put you on the spot and make you feel uncomfortable. I'm typically not a confrontational person, but when they start telling me, that in the metaphorical sense, I was the "trophy" in an Asian bowl months earlier. This reminded me of several movies I've seen before, with the girl as the prize of the bet like in She's All That with Rachael Lee Cook... I mean, you'd feel bad for her, but doesn't really make you feel something until it actually happens to you. Never have I ever thought I was the object of victory in some competition. When I heard this, I kept my cool--I didn't go drama queen on them, but I did feel like I sank to a level of objectification. And I'm sure you know this leads back to insecurity, self-esteem issues, and other things I can write about at this time (but choose not to).

Yeah... so, that's what got on my nerves this week. Trivial? Could be to you. But the little things can bug me and not surface until there's a pillow in my hand. Little things like... nail clippings and dust bunnies.



The Trophy Wife. Absolutely opposed to it.

I Have Nothing?

Whitney Houston's "I Have Nothing" from the Bodyguard movie is on the radio...

It's the first pop song I remember ever "working" on,
now its easy to play.... but think about it.
It was so early 90's... now i'm 22.

I lost my camera. I hope I can relocate the damn thing from last night's shenanigans... But I have a picture of how I threw it down last night. It was a bit slow, wish I had more of my closer friends out there, but its the time of year when they're all busy with their own lives, and when I'm not busy, just being a blob and taking up space, and occasionally singing and dancing and eating lots and lots of sushi.

cakewinedopeshow.

Who's idea was it to start with the crappy weather? I want to stop with the layers... and doing so much laundry.

And who said it was ok to rant 24/7? I didn't give it a go... apparently my ears have grown accustomed to hearing things repeated thrice or more.

Oh, and I'm throwing that Yoga X DVD out the window. Out with Yoga crap and in with more cardio. I'm super excited I'm taking a break from this high school playground and getting a job at another one. :)

(photo: the ladies in Toronto, Canada)

Ahh! Rosie's!

Words of advice: Be careful what you do in public, even if it is on a crowded dance floor and you think no one is watching.
Or videotaping.

I saw a commercial on TV for Seville Quarter... dancing...

more dancing...
more dancing... hey don't I know that guy?

and I thought of those couple of times on the dance floor... yeah, bad idea.

Good? No. Not.

Fresh Azimiz

Darnit.

I fell for it again. (...I bought another fitness program, and I haven't finished the first one... sigh)

So everybody's got insecurities. Some people have the strong will to overcome their own; their fears, their hangups, or whatever past experiences have molded them into the person they are now. Some people can act with confidence on the outside and hide their insecurities within, others let the vulnerabilities sit on the surface. Not too obvious, but visible enough to want to take on and alter for gratification.

In search of my own gratification, I have already managed to take chances (or risks, whichever sounds more adventurous) which please or disappoint my own levels of esteem. Learning that it is easy to defeat myself, I'm really amazed at how I can get myself this way. I'm going to go on a vacation and put "me" to the test. Is it really quite possible to not just act strong, but be strong? For my well-being... because one can never guarantee a trusting companion, a lifelong protector, or someone to grow old with.

I know that must have been a little hard to swallow... I'm working on it. I wonder if anyone ever reads this thing anyway?

P.S. Impulse shopping (a.k.a. retail therapy) feels a hundred times better if the gifts aren't for you ;)


How do you deal with your insecurities?

Hide and Seek

That's the title of the song that's been locked on my iTunes playlist, repeating and repeating itself. Imogen Heap sings it. She also sang a song called Let Go which played during the credits of the Garden State movie. The lady is a genius.

I guess I've been hiding out this week. Since I started the P90X workout, I have felt a little more clingy to my bedroom for rest. 6 out of 7 days I am doing workouts, and I have committed my diet to change for the next 90 days. If you know me, oh... you know that I will eat anything and everything i want. I used to think I had a pretty decent metabolism... I think all the Capri Sun sugars are catching up with me, so I've got to work a little harder now to get it back.

The eating (or rather NOT eating) part is the most difficult part for me, I think. This is the part of the program where I am getting used to the food choices and "detoxifying" my body. I'm eating 5 servings of protein, 2 servings of dairy, 2 servings of veggies, 1 fruit, 1 carb, 1 snack, and 1 fat. Servings are quite small, and it takes patience to plan the meals for the day. Not going to help if I eat meals like the ice cream sundae burger last night and drink god awful amounts of alcohol. Even if they are considered "cheat days". (Yeah, the fries are even drizzled in chocolate.)

Going home for the holiday break didn't help at all. I got sick for a week during Christmas, and blam! I'm always making brownies, always eating the desserts all the aunties left in the house from the party. When Dad said, "Come home, we'll fatten you up," he wasn't kidding. In fact, I fattened up all by myself. :)

I've always thought my body looked like a chunky stick. Like the figure of a crunch bar. No curves. But hopefully this program will work. With a waist that is 30.5 in and hips measuring 36 in... I wonder if I'm measuring the right spots of my body. My weight is a good solid weight that I'm happy about, it stays around a 125... I'm not obsessive about my weight, which is a good thing, but I could always improve.

Now I just need to find out what % body fat I have, I need to get a chinup bar and pushup handles to make my life complete. At least, for now. Oh, and I need to beat Guitar Hero on Expert level, of course.

"Wash my hands of the dirt of the past, embrace the light."

Embracing and letting go.

That is how I go through life. That is how the seasons change. That's how I am able to write these moments down. In 2006, there was still quite a bit of letting go and embracing to do, and still need to do, to be ready for when the 2007 slowly unravels itself upon us.

I went to church today, like any other Sunday, with my family. We have managed to attend this church for five years (and counting) and managed to escape parish registration. So we aren't really involved in any other way but mass attendance. today though, was an extra full day in the church and sitting in the pew ahead of me was a boy who looked vaguely familiar, but about two feet taller than last I saw him before. I asked my sister to make sure that this was the same choir boy who sang solo as a cantor. He had the most angelic voice and I really enjoyed having him sing. Away at college for 4 years, I only heard him during winter break and some summers. At this mass, another lady had taken over the job and really didn't give it much justice. When that lady sang, I witnessed in the boy's face the same expression (and I suppose feeling) I had when the fall semester at Virginia Tech started and I sat within the congregation for the first time, rather than up front at the piano. I was struggling to let go and embrace this new group of musicians--and realize that it's just the same when I walked into the dorms after the Corps New Cadet Parade. All my freshmen were cadre now and my juniors... well, they wore the gold VPI.

2006 marked an era that I will never forget. I took the most photos. I went through some new living accommodations and I finally experienced hardship in relationships. I think you will tend to fight for those when you think they are worth fighting for, right? But my problem was, and is, learning to realize when you have to throw in the towel. I learned a lot this year, from a lot of people, and in that I even learned about myself. But truth is, even though it didn't seem or feel like I had a mask on--and I claimed I didn't--I, in fact, did. It was only when I took off that mask I did the soul-searching business. This year, i've got to change that. With a new change of scenery, and new friends, I've got that window of opportunity.

My family is still changing. It's growing and I don't think can keep track of all my new cousins in the Philippines. I'm glad that now I've got a couple who have finally got the approved "OK" to transfer to California. A couple of days ago I read the preteens' myspaces and it seemed that they embraced the American culture a little too quickly. Just from these personal webpages, I now have the impression that they were spoiled way too soon. I understand that this is the way of life they have wanted for so long, and the way their parents wanted it. All they could do before was dream it and see it on television. They yearned and they got it. But they still left behind the relatives they played with and saw everyday. 12 years younger. Now one group of kids is halfway across the world, buying new Nikes and sporting new iPod skins while the other group is still playing ball in the streets and watching games on TV rather than actually playing them on their own console. All I wish is that they don't forget where they come from and who still needs them. Iriga City was hit with a serious typhoon which swept the ash remains from the nearby volcano down through the cities and towns in the surrounding area. We heard of one town being completely destroyed. A Herculaneum and Pompeii story if you ask me--but the area is so poor, it wasn't as big in the news. I'm glad my parents still remember. They did a medical mission this summer that's been planned for years, and we contribute hundreds of bags of rice to the typhoon victims.

For me, the year 2007 means a big change. It's a change in dependency, and a time of personal exploration. Hoping to wake up each day ready to live it with a purpose--as A pool would have it so difficult to do. But I'm going to give it a try.